Josh Kirby: Time Warrior or Serial Killer?

Josh Kirby: Time Warrior or Serial Killer?

(aka an unnecessarily deep dive into Josh Kirby)

Every clickbait article on Facebook, Twitter, or Buzzfeed seems to go on about how great the 90s were. Well, as someone who lived through it, I can tell you it wasn't all that great. The Phantom Menace, Ruby Ridge, Waco, the Beanie Baby craze; all equally bad. These, however, pale in comparison to what could possibly be the worst thing about the decade... the creation of the scariest children's character, ever:

Josh Kirby.

Be afraid. Be very afraid...

Having sat through these six movies, I'm 99% sure our protagonist is a serial killer who has imagined all of the adventures we see on screen. Oh, you want proof? Are the ravings of a crazy person, driven to insanity after months of Covid-19 isolation, not good enough for you?!? 

Well, here you go:

1. Josh's weird fascination with watches.

In the very first scene, we see a dresser drawer full of watches. "It's a movie about time travel, of course clocks are going to be featured a lot," I naturally thought.  "It's a basic metaphor," you say. Well, you are dead wrong. There is something sinister about them…they're all broken!

To a watchmaker, this is the saddest movie ever.

When Josh's father asks him how he keeps breaking the watches, he throws out a B.S. excuse: the school's nurse says he has a "fast metabolism." What does that even mean? Listen, I know school nurses aren't always the best -- mine once said to sleep off a concussion -- but I'm sure it has had no impact on my mental acuity at all. Look at my big words for god-sake! Being use to write about Josh Kirby no less. That's good brain usage right there folks.

What was I saying? Right. The watches! How does he keep getting them? Is his old man just forking over his paycheck for them? I think not! My hypothesis? Josh is murdering the former owners, then breaks them, so he can preserve the exact moment he made the kill. Still not convinced? 

2. Josh's creepy fascination with his dead mother.

We learn in the first movie that his mother passed away shortly after he was born. Josh asks his father a series of questions about her -- questions one would presume he would have asked at some point already, but whatever. Buckle up though, because it's about to get all Norman Bates-Oedipus-complex up in here. He asks "was she cute" and makes this face:

"A boy's best friend is his mother."

There's always a super hot moment in every one of my blogs.

This is not it.

Anyways, he literally just looked at a photo of her, a minute ago! He should know if she is "cute" or not. I thought, "maybe he just likes to torture his father by forcing him to describe how 'cute' she was, just to remember that she's dead?" What kind of sicko does this?! Or thinks this?!

3. For a movie about time, Josh sure has no concept of it.

After tormenting his widower father, Josh heads off to school on his bike, attempting to break his "world record" for getting to school on time (I guess?). We get a montage of Josh riding through his suburbs, the middle of streets, parking lots, and the woods on his way to school. I really have to ask, is this the most direct route?

“I will never grow up, I’m a Toys ’Я' Us Kid."

I mainly ask this because he does a victory dance as he arrives at school, claiming he broke his record. The thing is, the bell has already rung. He's late. His "best time" still results in him being tardy!

"Hurray for mediocrity" 

Look how happy he is! Why are you proud of that? Lots of people are on time every day without even trying. However, your best-case scenario still results in detention? What gives bro?

4. Josh is a serial liar.

Besides lying to his father about his victims' watches, or lying to himself about his record pace, we see him lie multiple times in the first few minutes of the series! In the opening credits, he mentions that the year is 1995, buuuuut in the first scene, we see this:

Side note: Who set's their alarm for 7:33?

It’s actually 1994! If you lie about the simplest things, like what year it is, what else will you lie about? Welllllll, after finding the space MacGuffin that kicks off the whole series, he goes to his friend's house wearing this:

My name is Darth Vader. I am an extra-terrestrial from the planet Vulcan!"

He is in a full hazmat-suit that he claims is his father's spare. How does that make sense? His dad is a full-grown man, not the size of a teenage boy. Where did Josh find, and why does he have, a children's sized hazmat-suit, pre-COVID?

5. Josh had a psychotic break and went on a killing spree.

I've saved the best for last here. Forget the hidden victims, Oedipus-complex, not being able to tell time, or his frequent fabrication of the truth. I can show you proof that he killed his father and dog… Now in the "Story," the villain shows up looking for Josh and uses a “sleep ray” on his father.

“Yeah, he’s just sleeping...”

His father supposedly believes that this giant robot is a coworker playing a “prank” on him. Does he really think that his coworkers built a giant Mech suit? No, he sees Josh still in his hazmat suit and initially mistakes him for a coworker. Josh knew he was about to be in major trouble for staying out late, so he tricked his father into a false sense of security and put him to “sleep." When his dog starts barking, trying to alert the authorities to the "sleeping" man, he is put to "sleep" as well.

Man, P.E.T.A is gonna be pissed off...

Josh gets into a "time machine" (an old van with an old man) and goes off to "travel through time." I think it's clear he had a mental breakdown and didn't want to be grounded, so he killed his father and skipped town with a creepy old man. The rest of the series just follows Josh as he commits crimes throughout time with this old man, and Josh's snapped psyche fills in the mundane with the fantastic!

I have no idea what this represents though...

So I'm going to level with you, all this insanity I just went on about, it's from the first third of Chap. 1: Planet of the Dino-Knights aka THE FIRST MOVIE. There are 5 & 2/3 Movie's worth of insanity I haven't even touched on yet! So you know what? Lightning round! I'm just going to show you an image from the rest of the movies & briefly say how weird it is. Let's do it!

6. This whole series is hat eating levels of crazy.

Chap. 2: The Human Pets

What is this? A living egg? One of those 3-D renderings of the Professor from Futurama?

Chap. 3: Trapped on Toyworld
Are they trying to make Raggedy Ann sexy? Wait, don't answer that...

Chap. 4: Eggs from 70 Million B.C.

Umm, I've never seen a fossil of something like what ever the hell that is. This movie is built on a throne of lies...

Chap. 5: Journey to the Magic Cavern

Is that a Mushroom person? Why are we acting as if that is normal? What is their race called?

Portabella-anite, Shiitakeian? I need answers,

Chap. 6: Last Battle for the Universe

Are you ripping off Aliens? Get Camron on the phone, this lawsuit is going to fund another exhibition to the Titanic.

In conclusion...

So there you have it. The Josh Kirby series stars a future serial killer & is six movies of pure insanity, that is best left in the dust bin of the 1990s. You know how I know these movies have no merit? Well with the exception of Charisma Carpenter (whom I'm sure is happy, we're reminding people that she was in this) the rest of the cast has gone on to do nothing! Well except maybe become a serial killer...

Though if you want to ignore my warnings and take a hell of a trip, you can hop into your own time machine and go back to 1995 (or 1994) and check out all six of these movies!

Or stay in your bed and watch them on TheArchive, whatever's easiest!